A woman's personal space is where she restores her vitality. And I'm hearing of more and more women, talk about their hesitation in getting into a new relationship because they would suddenly have to share their homes, or even more... their bed with another human!
Now I'm not talking about sexy times. A vibrant, sexy life is high on the relationship priority's list for many of my female clients and friends.
But as Carol Burnett once said in a reel I came across: "I live in my house, and I like to go to sleep when I want to go to sleep, and I like to turn on the television or read when I wanna read... so if I ever got married again, he would have to live next door".
I also spoke to a dear friend who's been happily married for over a decade. They're close, not lacking in sexual connection, a loving couple with a great foundation... and yet she's creatively arranging ways to have the house to herself as much as possible, including having her husband (who's quite willing to) stay elsewhere several days per week when possible.
I do understand some aspects of this. When I got divorced, the things I appreciated most were the ability to choose what foods I wanted to eat and when from the grocery store, and having the whole bed to myself. And while dating, I had zero desire for my playmates to stay overnight and I've found this sentiment to be shared by many women.
So where are we headed when it comes to relational sleeping arrangements in our romantic love stories you think?
An article in the Guardian shares that "until the 1950s, forward-thinking couples regarded sharing a bed as old-fashioned and unhealthy."
In fact... "for almost a century between the 1850s and 1950s, separate beds were seen as a healthier, more modern option for couples than the double, with Victorian doctors warning that sharing a bed would allow the weaker sleeper to drain the vitality of the stronger."
For light sleepers who have snoring partners... this can become a very real dilemma!
When I was married, I was not one to sleep soundly in the arms of my partner. I love to cuddle, create that connection and intimacy when heading off to bed, but after a while... give me space and let me sleep because the slightest motion or sound will prevent this from taking place in a nourishing way.
And with the research now demonstrating the importance of deep sleep on our overall health and immune system... I predict a wave of twin bed (or house!) sleepers arising in our near future!
In fact, the New York Post shared a 2023 article showcasing this new trend we call "sleep divorce":
"New research from the University of Michigan finds that it’s actually more beneficial for couples to sleep apart than together, if a disruption-free eight hours is the goal."
"Sleep divorce isn’t just a trend — new scientific research backs the separate beds theory"
To conclude, I'm not going to advocate for sleeping together in the same bed or not. I genuinely feel this is a personal matter that gets to be discussed within every partnership. With a real consideration of the pros and cons of each partner's desires and sleep habits.
But what I am interested in bringing forward, is the awareness of the inherent expectations that have been passed down and unquestioned around sleeping arrangements.
And the tendency to view sleeping in separate beds as though the relationship is unhealthy, lacking, sexless... because this isn't always the case. The more good sleep we get, the better our moods and the less arguments we will tend to have!
Only time will tell, where our bedside habits will lie...
My personal preference: A comically large bed with lots of room to play.
But also lots of room to sleep in various positions, both together and apart... with separate blankets so there's none of those shenanigans. :)
What's your real personal preference around this matter? To share or not to share? That is your question.
Xine XOX
Certified Love Coach, helping ambitious women find and keep healthy love.
Next Step...
Join me for more of this juicy love goodness by taking the following
"What's your Healthy Love Archetype" Quiz!
Be sure to share your results and sign up for my weekly Love Letter so we can stay in touch.