For some, the idea of finding love again after divorce might feel like the furthest thing from their minds... and yet others jump right into the dating game, excited to find their next great love adventure!
Here's a list of tips, both from personal experience after a 21-year marriage with kids + divorce... As well as being a Love Coach who's helped hundreds of women heal their hearts, create greater intimacy in relationships and feel greater love confident in their dating journeys!
ONE: The one thing I wish I had done earlier after my divorce is get to a place where I felt comfortable and OK being alone.
Creating intentional space for being alone without trying to be in another relationship, or dating, in my opinion, is an imperative phase of post-divorce healing. This gives you time to get to know yourself again as a solo life traveller, your desires, your needs, wants, preferences, identities!
Enjoying your solo life also allows you to practice better boundaries and not chase an unhealthy situation just to have "something going on".
A lesson I personally could have used but only came after an intentional year-long dating-free break. I called this my year of NO and and it was truly empowering.
TWO: Take time to evaluate what has taken place in the past
We won't spend a lot of time here, but take a moment to consider and write down:
What did you enjoy about your past relationship experiences and what do you want more of?
What are some of the things you prefer not to repeat in your next partnerships?
Getting clear on those pieces will help you know where to place your aim and when to walk away when you see a pattern arising.
THREE: Create a regular self-care and self-love practice you can always get back to when things get tough.
This is something I work on a lot with clients. Read this blog post for ideas. Self-love and self-care are some of the most transformative practices in attracting a healthy partnership.
Creating your own personal daily routine around things you love... just for you!
That are pleasurable in your body, environment, life.
We demonstrate to others how to treat us by how we treat ourselves.
So create this foundation as a habit and you're ahead of the game.
This ME-first approach will serve you well as you learn how to start dating again after divorce.
FOUR: Definitely download my free Healthy Love Checklist: A perfect companion for how to start dating again after divorce
This freebie will give you lots of self-reflection points you can use to become more self-aware, increase self-worth, and especially, help you become more clear around what you want as you get back into the dating game!
FIVE: Have a great support system in place.
Girlfriends, hobbies, community. Basically, make sure you adore the life you come back to when things don't work out. Because it can take some time to find the right partner and a few tries... and knowing that you're going back to something really beautiful helps you stay in integrity and make choices that are aligned with your desires instead of getting stuck in a situation that isn't healthy for you.
SIX: Choose some dating outlets and give it your best go.
No need for perfection here, you will learn and grow, as you go. I wrote a blog post about how to find men without using the apps, which you can read here. But in reality, I find apps to be a great door to keep open for new possibilities. I've met lovely people on them and know couples who've met on the apps.
As long as they're not your only source, it can be a great option.
SEVEN: GO SLOW! Take a good amount of time to learn about your potential partners.
Following the rush of high emotions and chemistry isn't necessarily a sign of sustainable, healthy love. Infatuation can be fun, but it can also fizzle out fast and run out in a wave of drama... Leaving a trail of heartbreak in its wake.
Heartbreak is unfortunately a part of the learning curve... but wherever we can, let's try to preempt it.
Take your time in getting to know someone. I've found it's far more effective.
EIGHT: Try dating people outside your usual type
I tell my clients: the gold is in your maybe pile. Those that are not the hottest, sexiest, most striking at the onset, have more potential to create a healthy dynamic and a connection that grows over time.
Love is a slow burn.
So go on a second date with those people that didn't necessarily give you immense butterflies but that you enjoyed your time with a lot.
That are respectful, consistent and clear about their intentions towards you.
If someone is unclear, sends mixed messages or leaves you feeling confused... this is a really good time to either have a conversation or walk away.
And the best part of dating outside your usual type is that you are breaking your pattern!!
NINE: Stay focused on your desire, but don't obsess over dating either
I always say, once you're clear about what you want, place it up on the shelf and go out and live your life as best as you can. Your desire becomes your guiding light when making decisions around dating choices.
TEN: Dating divorced partners: the pros and the cons
Last but not least, I wanted to add this one in here because it's a learning curve.
But it's a good one.
This could honestly be a blog post in and of itself... but here's a rundown of some things to be aware of or watch out for.
In all of the below cases, take things slow! Don't rush into anything as it may come with a pot of gold... or unpleasant surprises.
Overall, divorced partners are a great opportunity!
They have experience, know how to be in partnership and with some awareness, you can prevent any mishaps from taking place.
Firstly, I suggest inquiring how long it's been since their divorce or physical separation. If it's only been a few months, you may run into some unresolved emotional healing and attachments.
You may fall into any of the following categories with divorced partners:
One is being the rebound. Take it from me, it might feel exciting at first, but overall it's not a pleasant experience. You'll recognize that it's too soon by feeling like they don't really see you, because they're still preoccupied with their own internal stuff and attachments. They may talk frequently about their divorce situation or past partner. They need more time to heal before getting into a committed partnership.
Another is that they're not fully ready to be in a new relationship... but they know it's YOU they want and they make it very clear. This can have great potential if you're both patient and OK taking things slow.
The best scenario of course, is finding someone who's had their time to heal, go out and explore post-divorce, and are now ready to find heir next love adventure!
And this of course... is when you walk in. 🌹
My readers, followers and clients fall into two main dating categories and I want to send you both some encouragement today:
If your've been hesitating around getting back into the dating game out of fear of repeating or attracting a similar pattern you experienced in past relationships... I hear you. But with self-care, awareness and a little courage, you can find love again. One that embellishes your life, and doesn't deplete it.
If you're more of a serial dater, who finds it challenging not having "something" going...
My suggestion to you, is to take a solo pause for some months, before getting back out. This time alone, learning how to just be with yourself, your friends, without distractions.
Getting used to saying NO to anything that doesn't fit your desire. This will have a really big impact on who you attract after reclaiming this self-trust.
This has been a game-changer for me and I want you to receive all the good things in love. 🌹
Xine XOX
Next Step...
Join me for more of this juicy love goodness by taking the following
"What's your Healthy Love Archetype" Quiz!
Be sure to share your results and sign up for my weekly Love Letter so we can stay in touch.