Does the idea of finally experiencing healthy, fulfilling relationships make you want to run out and buy a fast train ticket to love land?
But how do we get there? What does that mean exactly? And how do we do this?
In this collaborative blog post between Danielle Sethi and Xine La Fontaine, we have you covered. With Danielle’s attachment style expertise and Xine’s love attraction knowledge, how could we not create a collaborative blog post for all of you to incorporate into your relationship & dating life right away!
Xine:
I would love to start by doing away with one of the greatest myths out there around how to find a partner:
That you have to be 100% healed to experience a fulfilling, joyous, healthy-sexy love life.
Our relationships are where some of the greatest healing will take place!
But having a solid foundation from which to build upon, however, is of great importance.
We all know about the idea of self-love.
We know it’s important to experience self-love.
But what does that mean?
And how can we achieve it? Grow it? Build it?
With the purpose of growing our awareness and connection to ourselves… but will ultimately increase our connection with future (or current!) partners, we can begin with a simple question:
What is it I want most right now, from a partner?
To be cared for?
To experience ecstatic moments in my body?
To be appreciated and seen?
With each of the above examples (or any other you’ve chosen), can you describe a way you’re currently giving this to yourself?
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Danielle:
Let’s talk about why this is important.
Of course, it’s true that we do not need to be perfectly healed before finding fulfilling relationships. The truth is, most of us are never “fully healed”- the journey of understanding and healing is dynamic and happens over the course of a lifetime as we have new encounters, relationships, experiences, and losses.
However, there is a healthy place in between perfection and chaos. In between having “everything figured out” and projecting all your feelings onto another person. This is the place that we want to focus on nourishing in ourselves all the time, whether or not we’re in relationships with others.
Healthy relationships are a paradox. They require the ability to depend and to be independent, or a sense of healthy interdependence. In the world of psychology, we call this a secure attachment.
Secure attachment means that you:
Feel safe and secure in the world and in your own body
Trust yourself to keep yourself safe
Trust that you can rely on others when you need them
When you can strike the right balance of functioning on your own, and being open to supporting and being supported by others, you create the conditions for a healthy, fulfilling love.
So, what next? What do we actually need to focus on?
Before and while you are in a relationship with someone else, devote part of your focus to your relationship with yourself.
When you have a secure attachment to yourself, you can trust your own ability to rely on yourself, keep yourself calm and to regulate your emotions.
You can do this by practicing skills that keep you in the present moment to observe your thoughts and emotions without judgement.
Some of my favorite ways to move into this work:
Body-based work: Yoga, mindful stretching and movement. These practices can ground you in your body to notice sensations and stay present.
Breathwork: Calming effects on the mind and focus on physical and emotional impacts of the breath.
Meditation and mindfulness: Observing thoughts and patterns without judgement.
1x1 Therapy: Developing greater insight into yourself and practice coping skills to keep yourself safe
Once you have this sense of feeling secure in yourself, you are bringing less reactivity and more thoughtful intention into a relationship with someone else.
Xine:
To deepen into what Danielle and I have just described, I would love to share a 3-Step Process that will help you become more aware of what you desire in love, increase your sense of security and self-trust, and boost your love magnetism around how to find a partner!
Win-win-win!
Step one:
Choose your 3 greatest desires. What are the top three things you want to receive or experience from a partnership?
Let’s use the examples:
To hear “you’re beautiful” often, from someone you love.
To be with someone that makes your heart flutter with new discovery, adventure, life!
To feel deeply seen and cared for in your body and emotions.
Step two:
With each of your chosen desires, ask yourself the question: How can I give this to myself right NOW? Instead of waiting for someone else to provide it for me?
This is Love Attraction 101!
Step Three:
Take action. Choose one way, each day, that will help you experience your partnership desires within your own life, now!
Examples:
Look in the mirror (this can be intense at first, so feel free to go slow here). Say “you’re beautiful” to yourself, like you would want your most cherished lover to. Not only is this building self esteem, it will help you receive this from someone genuinely when spoken to you… instead of deflecting the compliment.
Create a lifestyle that makes your heart flutter! Can you take a dance class? Travel somewhere? Do something new that brings excitement to your life (and brings you the opportunity to meet new people as a bonus)?
Spend time with your body and emotions: 5-10 minutes of self massage in the morning or evening. Something as basic as taking your time to apply your body lotion after the shower, is heavenly!
Hand-over heart, taking a moment to ask yourself: how do I feel today and what do I need? Then making this happen.
Dancing sensually every morning to create greater sensorial awareness and overall connection to what you feel in your body and emotions. This awakens your sexy, uplevels vitality, and is really fun! (I would call this Attraction 102…) :)
Most will want to skip the body-based parts and just stick to the mind-based ones, but creating these new experiences in our body is where some of the greatest impact lies, and is well-worth the effort. Pinkie promise.
The key is to listen to your body, and move at a pace that feels good to you! Feel free to modify any of the suggestions to suit your particular needs and desires.
To sum in up, creating healthy relationships starts with ourselves, and these foundational concepts and practices can be undertaken at any point of the love process: from dating preparation, to dating itself… or when you’re already partnered and feeling like you want to deepen into greater connection and intimacy!
Which of the above examples around how to find a partner, do you resonate with most? Share with us in the comments.
Writers:
Danielle Sethi is an Individual, Couple, and Family therapist with a virtual private practice based in Florida, USA. She helps individuals move from heartbreak to healing and from chaos to peace. If you’re interested in therapy with Danielle or learning more about yourself, start with this free guide right away or head to www.daniellesethi.com to learn about the services offered.
Xine La Fontaine is a Love Coach & Dance enthusiast living in sunny Valencia, Spain! She helps passionate, adventurous women go from feeling love-discouraged… to feeling alive & fulfilled in new healthy partnerships.
If you’re interested in learning more about your Love & Dating Style and how you can attract healthy love asap, donwload Xine’s free Checklist or head over to xinelafontaine.com and her Instagram to learn more about her programs and coaching.