Whether you've taken a break, recently undergone a separation or divorce... or are simply curious what life could be like with a new partner traveling alongside you.
Here are 5 important confidence and clarity-boosting steps to consider as you start dating again. Love-confidence = love-magnetism.
(Where are my Sex in the City fans?)
1- Ask yourself if you really want a relationship. And if so... what kind?
Normative culture says pairing up is ideal. So pressure is up for many single folks out there wondering why they haven't found their ONE (or two, or three)!
Ask yourself these questions...
If no one would be upset at you, judge you for your lifestyle, ask more of you:
How would you want to live for the next 10 years?
Do you see yourself traveling the world solo? Building a house with someone you love?
Enjoying an abundant dating life with several partners?
This desire can shed a big-time light on what you really want, outside of external pressures.
Because the truth is...
You don't need to want a partner!
So take this as your get-out-of-dating-jail-free card and fly free like a bird, pointing that
love-confidence arrow towards your own heart!
But also... it's really important to honor any part of you that does want a partner... if this is what shows up for you here. If this is you, read on I've got you covered.
2- Get clear on what you're "discerning" about as you start dating again
Once you've decided it's an actual go for dating... one of the best ways to prepare ourselves is self-awareness around where we're likely to fudge it up.
Take a blank sheet of paper and create a table with two columns.
Column one is entitled: I'm excited to get into a new relationship because...
Column two is: I'm afraid of getting into a new relationship because...
Fill both of those out.
Column one can ignite great insights when choosing what kind of experience you want to create as your next love adventure, helping guide your dating trajectory.
Column two will highlight areas that need greater care, attention and possibly healing.
Try and decipher what is a discernment around dating and what is a fear...
Being discerning will come from a space of empowerment or from an areas where you've already done some inner work:
Examples could be: I choose not to date people who aren't good texters, because I've learned that my nervous system doesn't handle this well, at this time.
Or I desire someone who also wants children, as this is really important to me.
Examples from fear might look like: I always tend to attract a similar type of pattern and for this reason, I prefer to avoid dating entirely.
Whenever needed, there is no shame in seeking a coach, therapist, or group experience to further integrate these parts of you. The goal here is awareness and acceptance.
You do not need to be 100% healed to be loveable and start dating again. But it's really good to know where our insecurities, sensitivities, influences from past experiences lie, so that we can take action from our most empowered part of us in the moment.
3- Out with the old, in the with new sexy Love Story.
Examine what your top bummer stories are when you think about how to start dating again.
Examples: "I'm too complicated to be loveable"
(I discovered this story after my divorce and it was one of the best things I could have revealed, as uncomfortable as it might be to become aware of).
"There are no good men/women/people for me out there."
"I'm too xyz (loud, old, tall, short, shy, independent etc...), I'm not xyz (young, thin, rich, sexy, etc) enough"
"I have too much past trauma"
"No one exists that will match my precise desires"
Some of these stories might very well be harshing your dating mellow and preventing you from even seeing really great potential matches!
For every top disempowering story and belief... adopt a new sexier one using external proof:
No good men/women/people... ?
On a planet of 8 billion people... a lot of them really sexy.
I've witnessed a woman living alone on a horse ranch in the middle of the woods who held the belief that she would one day meet her partner... eventually find her match and recently had a baby. So your pool size, selection choice, doesn't necessarily need to be your problem.
Walk around your neighbourhood and notice who is partnered and has found love.
Are they all young, thin and top model beautiful?
Are they all perfectly healed and trauma free?
Nope, nope and nope.
Love doesn't discriminate (more on this in number 5).
But we certainly do... so finding the balance between discernment, self-protection and a likely much needed dose of love-worthiness can be really helpful. See practices here for the latter.
4- Prepare the landscape and become all the things you're seeking in your next love affair.
This follows the cliche that loving yourself first is what will help you receive love from others.
Some of this is absolutely true. With the caveat that you don't need to 100% love yourself to be loved and deserve love. Or to start dating again.
Preparing your landscape physically, emotionally, sensually will feed you on your journey, like grounding fuel to a fire. So why not put your focus here while you test the waters out there?
Think of the top three things you desire from a partner and actively engage in giving it to yourself daily starting today. It will take down your "neediness" levels, help you feel complete without someone else providing this for you and help you open to greater connection as you become even more genuinely discerning in your dating journey.
You like that.
5- Take concrete action by going to places where you'll likely find who you're looking for.
I won't lie and say that there isn't a youth, beauty and cultural bias in dating. Dating apps and social media, which work best for those who can take great photos and videos are what we're exposed to all the time right?
But most folks (including me BTW!) often forget that in-person encounters, were once the only way people met and potentially got hitched...
So once you've taken my Love Creator Code free training and decided exactly what it is you desire to experience in your upcoming love adventure... (snuck that one in there):
Find out where this type of human hangs out!
If needed, ask the partner of a friends that you admire, or appreciate where they spend time? Maybe it's doing sports, or a music-based group, or a community or networking activity?
In my case... dancing is one of those FABULOUS places to explore and meet new people. More about this here. You may sincerely consider it as an option for you.
Now that you're armed and ready...
Enjoy the process of starting to date again. Enjoying your own life will help magnetize others that are on the same wavelength and taking small, courageous steps forward just might have you sharing the incredible story to all of your friends and followers, about how you and your love met!!
When this happens... please tag me or DM me to let me know over on Instagram.
And be sure to share this article with any dear friend setting on their very own dating journey as well.
It would make me very happy.
With love always,
Xine XOX
Next Step...
Join me for more of this juicy love goodness by taking the following
"What's your Healthy Love Archetype" Quiz!
Be sure to share your results and sign up for my weekly Love Letter so we can stay in touch.